dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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