I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
