okay pat passed out under dana's car
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
