Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
