You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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