I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
