Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
