There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
