I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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