I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
