we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
