My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
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Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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