everyone is single if you try hard enough
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
