Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
