cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
