this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
And then he peed in my hair
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