so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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