Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
