Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
