So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
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He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
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His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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