i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
