She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
