you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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