Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Randomize
