why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
