Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
