I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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