I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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