I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
