At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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