I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
