I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
