It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
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mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
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Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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