yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
