In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
time to smoke my breakfast
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
did i walk over a car last night?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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