I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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