I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
