I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
