you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
