apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
