Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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