I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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