I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
