Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
