Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
