So drunk its hurt
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
