finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize