I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
