I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
