Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just threw up on my dentist
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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