Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
