The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
