ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
