You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
