my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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