It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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