you traded sex for a burrito?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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