Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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