shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
