If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
