If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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