Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
